A Father Not Afraid To Cry

 

Kodi absolutely loved to eat so this was taken in a restaurant.

 

The finality of losing a loved one can have devastating effects on one’s psyche, mental and physical health and [even on one’s faith]. The love derived from family and friends are critical especially in the early days of losing a loved one.
That this kind of separation can be simply shrugged off is easier said than done.  Folks tell me you have to move on, they mean well, if only losing a part of you was as easy as simply [moving on though.
The ability to simply grieve without the added burden of planning and organizing a funeral is a big help so family and friends are crucial in times of bereavement.

Kodi’s friends gather in our home to pay tribute to their friend,

 

Shock, disbelief, anger, frustration, feeling victimized, are only a few of the emotions which survivors go through. I lost all four of my grandparents within the space of only a few years, I also lost other family members in recent times which pained me immensely.
I was to find out in 2014 that everything I have ever been through, two life-saving surgeries a tumultuous childhood and everything in between would be child’s play compared to the passing of my son.

A bond, not even death can breach.

Yes, I have three more, I also understand that that question comes with the greatest of love and concern that maybe just maybe I have more children to fill the void.
Only that they don’t, they can’t.
Friends tell me Job got everything he lost even his children after the Lord gave permission to the Devil to go after him.
But did Job receive everything back?
Did he get the children he lost or did he have more children?

Kodi

 

As parents, we love each of our children differently, not less, not more, differently.
And so speaking for myself as a parent I can attest to the different characteristics of all my children, how those characteristics shape my love for them and even how I counsel them to live their lives based on those individual characteristics and character traits.
One of the things I constantly hovered over Kodi about was what I perceived to be his nonchalance to things and places I perceive to be potentially dangerous.

High school graduation party with friend

He would always laugh and tell me “Dad you worry too much.” Despite my son’s  dismissal, my fatherly intuition was proven correct not because he did anything wrong but my worst fear, the fear of losing him was realized.
Job 3:25 For the thing which I greatly feared has come upon me, and that which I was afraid of has come unto me.

Life for me will never be the same.
Life for the rest of my family will never be the same.
Of course not, Kodi was the life of the party, “what you all gonna do when I’m gone” he would ask as he laughed, “I’m the one who holding the family together“.
We had no idea!

 

Candles for Kodi

People describe the way they feel about losing loved ones, children, even.
Somehow it does not feel that way to me. Based on their talks I’m supposed to be healing but I’m not.
It feels surreal, I feel victimized, I feel like the Universe has ganged up on me, my emotions are still as raw as the day my son left.

I have this weird feeling that “yes I know you have lost your child but I hurt more than you, I am more victimized that you are.”
I also know that is not reality but that is how I feel, that is how deeply I hurt.
My oldest son is grown and on his own now, I know Mike hurt for his brother much like I do.
Aj and John are away too, in college like Kodi were, this morning John sent me this message.

[” Hey Pop, just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking about you right now.It’s a hard day for all of us but I know that it’s especially painful for you. I don’t have any idea what you go through on a day to day basis but I admire you for continuing to be you. Thank you for being a great father and husband. I wish we could all be together today but unfortunately, we can’t. I love you so much though.Talk to you soon.

If you still wonder why I love my children so much then………..
I cried and cried and then I cried some more.