I spent a good part of my life fighting to preserve and protect the lives of others . I was particularly passionate about the rights of the most vulnerable, those least able to protect themselves. Irrespective of the interpretations of cynics many continue to do the same every day. It requires selflessness on the part of those who risk life and limb in defense of others, whether it be service in the military, police department or the man who jumps on the tracks to pull another from certain death from an oncoming Train.
Quote “No greater task can be given any man, than that which ask that he brings to Justice the killer of the innocent”.
For years I held fast to those principles, I still do today. Yet even as I did all I could to bring closure to others, even as I empathized with those who lost their loved ones, I never truly understood what it felt like to lose a child.
Nothing compares, it is surreal. There are no words to describe the pain, the emptiness, the shock. You lose your sense of focus. You lose your sense of motivation. You question everything you ever believed. Yes I question my faith !!
You become driven by a single desire, that which is to turn back the hands of time. You become obsessed with guilt, obsessed with the desire to find someone to blame , including yourself. You think thoughts you would never previously entertain.
After all you start believing there is no hope, no reason to go on. Even as you are torn between the reality of the present and your lifelong beliefs, you have no rational recourse but to revert to the very promise of the very faith you question.
I am not a perfect Christian.
The loss of my son made me question the after-life.
I question the sincerity and commitment of a God who seem to inflict pain on those most dedicated to his word.
I question his ways.
I question his methods.
I question his power vs the powers of evil.
I question whether I will ever see my son again ?
So although I question everything I ever believed I am humbled into accepting the reality that if I am wrong about God then nothing else matters.
If I discard my faith where is the hope?
(I love you Kodi Kadeem Beckles, tears, tears and more tears.)