I’m Not Strong


People tell me “Mike you are so strong, I don’t know what I would do if I lost one of my kids”.

To begin with they don’t know just far off-base they are regarding what they perceive to be strength. On  the question of not knowing what to do, they hit a home-run. Neither do I !

My family and I are immensely blessed and indeed honored at the tremendous outpouring of love and prayers we received from friends near and far, during this most traumatic period in our lives. For that we are eternally grateful and forever in your debt. Never in my wildest dreams did I contemplate the possibility of an event of this magnitude.

Naivete? ……..Maybe.

Feeling  entitled or exempt? ………. No!

The hardest thing for me is trying to come to terms that my son is no longer here, isn’t coming  home anymore, is dead.That word dead is the most difficult for me to process, the finality of that word forces me into mental retreat.

my baby
my baby

I am unsure how others experiencing this type of trauma deal with getting around that obstacle.  Coming to terms with the finality of the word “dead“. Accepting that a loved-one has died is terribly difficult. Accepting that your child is never coming home, is unimaginably and indescribably horrific. How could this happen ? “Why my child” ? I ask myself a thousand times , still I am no nearer an answer than when I asked the first time. This Summer, College kids all across America are returning home to spend time with their families. Not so for our family.

996740_777992545549806_373206732_nTry as I may , I cannot shake the feeling of victim-hood which has plagued me since April 7th 2014. I feel singled out, I have certainly had more than my share of tragedies. I wonder what the pawns on a chess-boards feel if they had feelings? I feel caught between two powerful competing powers, in a battle which has precious little to do with me. I feel I am mere collateral damage. I know I will draw fire from some Religious quarters for daring to speak this way. I humbly disagree with my friends who would chastise me for feeling or seeing , I believe those are two of our senses. We are supposed to use them, aren’t we  ?

my wonderful son Kodi

Am I selfish to pine over the loss of my son, despite having more sons? Am I being disloyal to my family for the deep,dark grief I feel for this, my child? If so how does :Luke 15:4 apply  

Jesus asked ,”What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he loses one of them, does not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he finds it” ?

In the parable Jesus told of the prodigal son, did the father not still have a son at home ? : Luke 15 :20. “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

Luke  15: 22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

Do these Scriptures apply The prodigal son did return. The missing Sheep is likely to be found. My son is never coming home. I cry every single day , so too does my wife. In the beginning I felt sorry for my son. I wondered , did he hurt in the process leading to his passing ? Did he lay there thinking “my dad will come get me“, throughout his short life he thought his dad could always make things right.

As much as I cry wondering about that, I feel sorry for my wife and his mom. I feel sorry for his brother we all lost a great Guy. I grieve for the rest of my family and his friends. But most of all I feel sorry for me. I lost a part of me that can never be1970386_821510291198031_880089478_n replaced, the void left can never be filled. Nothing can ever be the way they were. Everything takes on new meaning. I struggle to find a way forward, a way to claw my way out of the darkness. Sugar will never be as sweet, water will never taste the same, a cup of morning coffee will never make me feel the way it used to. My world is forever changed , how I move forward is all up in the air. There are times when I wonder if I ever will, or  whether I even want to.