Numb, Angry, feeling cheated sums up my feelings right now. I Can’t seem to get past them. In the meantime everything goes on as usual. Time seem to stop for me only. Friends and well-wishers tell me to think about the happy moments we shared, those make things much worse, they bring more tears. I presently live somewhere between denial and complete paralysis. If I allow myself to think the unthinkable I believe I will never come back. Somehow I cannot take that chance. I cannot guarantee myself that having accepted what everyone knows, I won’t lose my mind. That train may have already left the station however, how could this happen to me, to you my son?
You weren’t sick.
So full of life…
What went wrong?
How is this possible? One moment you were here, the next you aren’t? This was not the plan, we never discussed this, we talked about everything but never this !
Who am I angry at, God? I don’t know . Whose decision was it to take my son away? Saying that sounds distant, it’s all a dream, a bad dream, I ‘ll wake up soon.
Someone advised me to go see the movie “Heaven is for real“. She felt the characters are a lot like you and me. We all went, the whole family Kodes but you weren’t there. It doesn’t feel the same when you are not there. No one understands what you meant to me except you. Maybe I’m angry at you! No , I’m not. No words , no tears, nothing gauges my pain. Disbelief , in shock, maddening shock, numb, darkness, nothing compares….
The boy in the movie did not die, just so you know, there’s still time to come home. I don’t like the way I feel about this Kadeem, you love that name ..
I gave you that name,.
I dial your number, I hear you say your name. You love that name. It’s all a dream, I will wake up soon.
You were precious to me . God’s special gift, I love you like no one else could. And you loved me too. We were always there for each other. Did I let you down?
How could I not know that you needed me? You always knew I would take care of “it” , whatever “it” is.
Were you there thinking Dad would show up to get you Kodes? Oh God , did you ? I can’t see through these tears …………